to confide in someone would complete me;;

I've been constantly bombarded with so many thoughts lately that I just want them to finally go away. But here's the predicament. I don't want them to stop. As hurtful as they are I still want them to be around because it just keeps my life in check. Keeps me thinking and knowing that I will certainly live the rest of my life without my father. What do i do now.
I'm stuck in a fork in the road. Does it end in biterness towards my father or am I stuck here being sad for the rest of my life. I guess those aren't the only two decisions that i have left for myself. I could go on. I could go on without the one person that I totally confided myself in for everything. He didn't have to say a word to me and yet I understood completely what he expected of me.

So what now? I find myself saying this too many times. Finding myself asking what is coming up in my life. I can't expect anything that's to come. So what do I do. I'm in one of the most difficult decisions that I could potentially fuck up my entire life. I'm stuck. That's excatly what it is. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get myself out of this rutt. I want to but I know that it's just far too hard to dig myself out. I'm too far in this hole and too emotionally fucked up that I won't be able to confide in anyone who won't think i'm fucking nuts for dragging this out longer then it should be.