come catch my tears

fuck, there's thing that i would just like to look up for me. I'm constantly seeing all of my friends get together and it's fucking annoying, seems everyone is havin' a time besides me. I don't know what's wrong with me. Well, I know there is nothing wrong with me, it's just super frustrating i guess... I don't know what to do about it, there's nothing that I could add to my day to day living that would make this situation improve. I just hate being the last one picked.. uhh


--sg

so where's all the mad rappers at, it's like a jungle in this habitat

Schools, started but I've been wanting to write a blog on here a while ago but I've been wicked busy doing all that shit. There's alot of my mind and I started getting a little stressed out but it's getting alot easier to deal with. I'm trying to get school and shit balanced with work and friends so hopefully it works itself out... I'll keep you updated.

--sg

it's all been done before;

Things have been a little hard today, for some reason I choose today to feel sad about Dad. It's been spastic lately though I haven't had a constant thing that's happened that's made me super upset like anyone asking me how it happened or anything.

I thought I was getting better, who the fuck am I kidding. I've gotten like a million times better since that day. I'm proud of myself for doing this. Moving to Fredericton and going back to school I mean. It's something that I really want to do for myself.  But there's one thing that's holding me back. I don't want to disappoint him. What if this isn't good enough. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to do something for myself and not worry about other people, but that's rarely going to happen ever.

So there's a million things that are standing in my way for school and getting what I want. It'll all come together I know it will though, Dad wouldn't have done it any other way. I have every belief that when he died, he knew everything was going to be okay. He raised his kids better than that.  I'm just sad and I want him back. I'm too young to have lost my father at such an early stage of my life. 

I was 18, and hopeless. Scared of what was to come I did what any distraught person would do. I started to drink. At my life now just a little over a year since it's happened. I don't like to drink anymore, occasional beer was more of my style. I was very angry back then too, I've changed significantly since then. We'll see how this turns out. Will I be better then I was when I attempted this first year, who knows, hoping that things are different and my mindset is hooked on much better things then getting smashed and acting like a complete idiot.

I'm half-way thankful that Dad did pass when he did, he was ready to die. I wasn't ready to say good-bye but things in life don't always work both ways for everyone. He had done enough in his 50 years to prepare him for death. He's still my Daddy, I'm still his Sara Lee. 

I'm okay now, I'm going to be okay.. this is a rough road that I've been on but I believe to the highest degree that what I have done in the past year has been totally beneficial for myself.

I love you Dad, thank you for giving me life and helping me to stay strong to keep it going after you've left. You'll never know how truly grateful I am to have had you in my life.

--sg

lately i've been too hard to reach, too far off all alone

I've established alot of things around my life. I've changed alot of what I want to do my life and how exactly I want to live it. There's definitely alot of things I don't want in my life anymore and I won't have any problems completely cutting them out of my life. I don't need that shit and really it's a waste even to breathe it. 

As much as I wanted to become a Social Worker just like Shellybear, I don't think I can deal with kids like that, it's sad. Troubled Youth, there's something I can most likely deal with. i have enough edge on me that I could be intimidating but have enough finesse with my words that they're not afraid to tell me what's up. It's a win-win situation really. I get something from helping them, they get saved from a life they didn't want to live. I don't know this is just what I was thinking about the past couple days, which have been fucking wonderful. 

--sg

am i loud and clear or am i breaking up?

I waited till now, I suppose because I didn't want to ruin what I had yesterday. It was strange I woke up feeling the same way I always did but for some reason through all the bullshit that I was getting from people for situations I can honestly say I don't know where I would put me into that mix, other than an older relationship I held. But it was crazy, I looked right through it and just said "Fuck it" I've been slowly getting to this point over the past few months. It's been a chore indeed. I was constantly holding my self back in several situations I thought I would react terribly and everything would end on a seriously bad note. 

Yesterday was a great day in many senses, nothing major or exciting happened. I got to do what I wanted to do and just let everything else go. This definitely feels great. But there's one catch, I'm still feeling like I was little less that a year ago. I'm stuck in the same position without reassurance like before. I'm stuck. This frustrates me, but I'm looking at it differently than before. I've moved on in some aspects but this is still irking me to no end. But we'll see how it pans out.

I'm working with Sarah on the farm next week so I definitely think that, that is going to be a wicked good time. Also, hoping for a trip to Hali this weekend if my niece/nephew isn't born by then. Super excited to see some friendly faces there. Everything will be good after that I think. 

P.S I have the most ridiculous cuts from jonny's damn long board, fucking jerk didn't even help me up, just laughed. I did dice er pretty hard though. Thank god for rugby teaching me how to fall or I would've been making a serious trip to the outdoor. It was pretty hilarious though, I just wish I could have seen it from not my angle. 

till then.

--sg

Bad actors with bad habits.

I'm not trying to impress anyone. Not anymore anyway. I've changed since you've met me last. how can I explain this though? 

When you met me I was vulnerable and confused. I didn't know where my life was going or even if I'd make it there in one piece. But I'm alot farther and now I just need you to catch the fuck up. You've changed since I've met you as well. Some for the better but some for the worse. I am not about to rip people apart on a computer. It's not what I do. 

In all seriousness, you don't know me. You've tried, but failed. You've sent out remarks in hopes to get a rise, but I'm not falling for that, not again. You've sent everyone to manipulate, to play your game. Now you're left and I'm farther along. Words are cheap now aren't they?

But you didn't know me then, and you certainly don't know me now. You certainly didn't feel the pain I did lowering my own father into the ground. You didn't have to deal with suffering of your family and the fire department. You weren't apart of that wonderful family.

I guess you'll never know.

So what now? Where do we stand. I'm not sure if I trust you anymore, I will always want to, but you've seemed to have broken that trust from me and I don't know if it's easily obtainable again. 

Let me know if you want it to work. I'm comfortable enough that I don't want to change myself too much for someone, I've been through it before but you're not going to be happy with anyone if you're not even happy with yourself. Suck it up, you've been through shit but so has everyone else, live your life.

Get on that like Bobby on Nicole

Most great tales in time involve some epic opening line that catches the reader and brings them right in. Although this tale may not be as epic as people seem to believe, it was definitely entertaining to witness sober.. of some sorts.

I was there.

I was there when my roommates decided that it would be a grand idea to start drinking ridiculously early while watching a rugby game. Yeah, I've been there, I've done the same thing to myself. it's just hilarious how I got to witness first-hand how hilarious the lives of my roommates and I are.

Braam and Nic and I head over to the rugby field a little after 12ish and walked in to see Dear Timmy at the bar before we headed er over across the field.

1:30 -- after a ridiculous amount of trips to and from the car for refills and smoke breaks, I think they're starting to get drunk. This could get messy really quick. This thought came and went from my mind faster then I had planned. I had a problem. Drunk Roommates. Great.. haha

After trying to keep up with them most of the day, i was ready to get high, like really high. I also believed that this was an educated decision at that moment in my life. As the day seems to progress, we get in a few more rugby games, Sarah and Nic continue to be drunk and hilarious. After all the games, we leave the field, me driving. Hilarious times.

We get back to the house, time to nap/drink/rugby and smoking hoots, wonderful evening. Mon comes over as well as Dear Timmy, they drink for a while and we smoke a couple more hoots.

 Around 11 we left our house to head down to Al's for a party. I was flying high already at this moment and time and couldn't be happier. The girls were smashed after finishing the bottle of rum plus drinking god knows how many beer.

We show up at the party, Dear Timmy and I choosing a less populated way to get in the house find our way to the kitchen and hang out. There's alot of people here, who are all of them? I remember thinking to myself. I love being high. It's a great time

There's karaoke and hilarious people all around me. I was havin' a time indeed,  Sarah was being a thief of some sorts, opting for any alcohol in the fridge. Nicole was taking whatever was given to her. Timmy and I stepped outside to smoke a J which Nic and Sarah were supposed to be in on, but alas they were off doing god knows what. This was a hilarious night. 

Around 12 30 I couldn't stay there anymore, after the hoot that Timmy and I smoked, I could barely keep my eyes open, this was when I've had alot.. hahah but I was still good, just had to leave. I left there and went downtown looking for my boston girls, but instead opted to get harassed by a group of guys which included an elderly man asking me if he could buy me a sausage, needless to say, I was a little creeped out. 

Nicole comes stumbling out of nowhere Bobby on her tail, I start laughing hilariously because she thought she went downtown with me, no Nicole, you were drunk and imagined me.

We stay there for a while and get to witness the most hilarious display of drunk fighting ever. Fuck, it sure is entertaining to be high and not drunk. This chick comes out of Zees with  a raggedy hooker-lookin shirt and enough material on her skirt to make me a fashionable headband. This is hialrious. I am hilarious at this time. Skankface decides she's going to start lipping this guy in a group and gets right in his face. I think the people were more amused at my commentary then what was going on, dude was getting his ass handed to him by this 5 ft flat lookin skank. I was loving my life. 

Around 2:30ish? we just waitied for everyone to get pizza and crap and we head back to the apartment where Sarah is home passed out on the couch. how she got there.. we don't know.. did she have shoes one, most certainly not. Was is hilarious, most defninitely. After getting more drunk and smoking more drugs. Nicole is being hilarious with Bobby, like hil-airious, they go off and I'm left with Norm.. the ridiculous rolledup pants motherfucker that was hanging around with Bobby and Andrew. 

I am not a fan of this, I opt out for food and bed. I'm tired high and hungry.. a dangerous combination.

Waking up in the morning revealed the true stories, and yes Sarah.. you did make out with Norm at Al's...haha

love you.

Winter just wasn't my season.

I'm sitting here looking out of the window, trying to figure out if I really want to write now. I still haven't decided this in full. I'm never really prepared just to write what's going on. I feel the need to have to prepare myself before I jump to far into it and struggle in the process. I don't pride myself on being an excellent writer but I'd like to know that I at least have some points in knowledge in a subject and won't sound like a ridiculous fool.

So I guess i'll wait, till the mood strikes again. Because I'm pretty confiident in the fact that I'll write till I die.

The Last Alarm: The Diary of a Daughter

PART-ONE

There’s not much in someone’s life that you can fully feel that type of security at its finest. Once you achieve this type of security you never want to get out of it again. You become so encompassed in the thought of having that for the rest of your life and then you’re hit with a blow that will change your life completely.
I remember when it happened. Most would’ve just blocked it out of their memory completely. Not me, that was not the way I was raised, I was taught to suck it up and deal with the consequences. No matter how hard I wanted to push this out of my memory, put all the hurt behind me, leave the old me behind. In a sense I did. He helped me with everything. This was our journey and no one else’s. I was privileged about the fact that I could talk about someone in such a way that would make me happy and sad at the same time.
I recall the day it happened as if it was yesterday, when in fact; it was nearly a year ago. Time flies when you’re life changes. I got up late that day, because, of course I didn’t want to go to work. I worked at a stupid place doing a job that I disliked. But I remember instantly how it felt when I found out the news. I had been taken away from my job and told that someone was downstairs to speak to me. I didn’t know what to do. The first thing that came to mind was “shit, am I about to get fired.., dad is going to flip his lid” Boy was I wrong. I walked into the calmly lit room with the fans going like it was the middle of august. It was the tenth of July to be more specific. I walked in the room and a person in the corner of the room immediately caught my eye. I don’t know if it was the uniform or it was the thin line of florescent on his jacket that caught my eye. I knew him, well not me specifically; it was as it was for my entire life. Knowing people through the relationships my parents held with them. He worked with my Dad at the station on the other side of town. My mother worked with him for several years prior to or post my birth. He was here to deliver not so great news.
That was an understatement. After the thought of possibly getting arrested for something at the time that I couldn’t think of, I was instantly scared of what was coming up next. He motioned towards the rolling computer chair that was one of 4 at the table. I passed up the one that was directly beside him that he was motioning towards and instantly went on the opposite side of the table. I don’t know if it was my defence mechanisms kicking in but whatever it was I wasn’t about to like what I was going to hear. At that moment I heard the words that will forever wring through my ears, “I’m Sorry”. I’ve never hated a group of words with so much passion that I would instantly cry just thinking about people saying them to me. The officer continued what he was saying but all I was catching was half words and sentences. He mentioned that he was on his way to the fire station, although to the reporters trying to find a story was on the way to the hospital. I didn’t know what to think in the moment. I had lost the one person that I had grown so close with and the last conversation we had was about me screwing up at school. I felt like a complete idiot. How was I supposed to be my daddy’s baby girl if I didn’t have a daddy anymore? The thought of going on without him had never crossed my mind until now and I wasn’t ready for what was about to happen.
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I think that it was when I was a little younger that this particular incident had happened with my father and I. Being the little angel that I was I was constantly hanging out with boys which worried my father from the very beginning. I was hanging out with a friend of mine that was a family friend. We were out in front of our neighbours yard behind some hedges trying to conceal our identity connecting us to the acts that were about to go down. We thought that it would be a great idea to throw some rocks over the hedges, terrible life choice in my opinion, but we did it anyway. I just remember winding up my arm and then hearing the rock connect with the car before I was off and running for my life, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I ran over to my house in hopes that my father hadn’t seen a thing and I could act like nothing happened. No such luck.
Tailing me up the driveway was the very angry driver of the blue civic that I had hit with my excellently collected rocks. I could see it in my father’s eyes, as I was running up the hill. He knew that I didn’t man to do it and this man was trying to grab a hold of me and bring me back to look at it. I was around 10. Terrified about the situation. There was no way I could get out of this one.
Then I saw it, you know those early morning discovery channel shows they have about the parental patterns of animals. You sit there in hopes of seeing something intense you can talk about with your friends the following day. Anyways, I saw the fury fill my father’s eyes and cut in the middle of the man and I. He ended up talking the man down but also showing him that he wasn’t going to back down and I was his daughter and there was no messing around with me. This was the first time that I had seen my father actually get angry at someone else at my expense. I started getting immense amounts of pride at that moment, which continued for several years.
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I started to slide all of my things into my locker. I was just given the biggest shock of life and I wanted to get changed out of my dirty work clothes before I had to see my entire family. There was something wrong with this picture. Regardless, I got my things together and stepped outside into the warm sunlight of that July morning. It was beautiful out, but everything was continuing. I was confused, why wasn’t everything stopping? I should have repeated this about 4 hours later and I would have been asking a completely different question.
I slumped into the passenger seat of the police car that was taking me home. Why did he constantly have to keep asking me fucking questions? It’s not like I was legit answering them with full answers. It was understandable though, I had just lost my father, and he was just the bearer of bad news.
I remember looking at the house when we pulled up, I lived in the same house since I was born and for some reason at that exact moment I couldn’t seem to look at it the same way that I did when I pulled away from it this morning with dad. Nothing to me seemed real. I was dreading the next 30 steps. I walked in my back door and the first person that I saw was my mother. I couldn’t even really breathe. How do you react to someone that has just lost her husband? I just remember sitting in my mothers’ arms and her being the strongest person that I’ve ever seen in my entire life. She had so much that she had to do now that my father was gone but I’ve never witnessed anyone in my entire life as strong as she was.
After what seemed like a lifetime, the firefighters started to show up and things were getting really emotional because I’ve known like all of these guys since I was born and just broke down at the sight of them which hurt. It hurt me to no end that I felt guilt towards them; they were taking it so hard.
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Being a firefighters daughter definitely has some perks. You get to go and walk into the station like you own the place. But other then the perks that it seemed to have, there were many a downfall. When I turned 19, I didn’t want to spend it in Saint John, just to be sure nothing happened. Fire fighters seemed to have a little problem with what was it called? “Protecting their own” I think the term was. Regardless, I thought that I was going to be having a wonderful night in Fredericton with all of my friends. Negative.
I hadn’t even walked in the bar and was already being harassed by some half-drunk idiot hitting on me.

Greetings From Fredericton

Finally getting my stolen internet to do me some good. Haven't been writing a whole lot lately which is probably why I've been a little more stressed then usual. What I HAVE been doing with my time is that I've been listening to alot more music. More then one kind, which I think is fantastic. Also checked out Matt's new tracks.. pretttyyy good I must say, but I've always been a fan haha

Since being up here in fredtown I've been way more up to different types of music which is awesome in general but still listening to my old favorites.

Sarah and Nicole are in CT this weekend to go see Dave Matthews which I'm pretty upset about.. would've loved to go see him live but shit happen, ya hear?

So I'm going home to SJ for the weekend and away from Lindsay and her mounds of drama she likes to kart around with her. I'm not one for high school drama.. cut the shit aight? But anyways, not being a bitch letting it go. Fredericton has already changed me and I can tell. I love just being up here. I don't know what it is but after all that drama that happened at home before I moved out was bullshit, none of it should have happened at all. But what can you do? Nothing really grin and bear it I suppose. Anyways I must be off, till then.

to confide in someone would complete me;;

I've been constantly bombarded with so many thoughts lately that I just want them to finally go away. But here's the predicament. I don't want them to stop. As hurtful as they are I still want them to be around because it just keeps my life in check. Keeps me thinking and knowing that I will certainly live the rest of my life without my father. What do i do now.
I'm stuck in a fork in the road. Does it end in biterness towards my father or am I stuck here being sad for the rest of my life. I guess those aren't the only two decisions that i have left for myself. I could go on. I could go on without the one person that I totally confided myself in for everything. He didn't have to say a word to me and yet I understood completely what he expected of me.

So what now? I find myself saying this too many times. Finding myself asking what is coming up in my life. I can't expect anything that's to come. So what do I do. I'm in one of the most difficult decisions that I could potentially fuck up my entire life. I'm stuck. That's excatly what it is. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get myself out of this rutt. I want to but I know that it's just far too hard to dig myself out. I'm too far in this hole and too emotionally fucked up that I won't be able to confide in anyone who won't think i'm fucking nuts for dragging this out longer then it should be.

get it; get it now.

So as I arrive at home I think to myself as I reach for a full bottle of wine wanting to drown out the past two hours. Why did it happen like that? I look back on it now and I can't seem to quite put my finger on what may have caused it. Oh yeah, now I remember. We thought it was going to be good, it was, don't get me wrong but what now? We went out thinking hey, this could be a great girls night. Why should a movie effect the way that it has.

I know the answer even before I type it. We need some other way to distract ourselves from our terrible lives. So what now? where do we go from here. Do we continue out on our daily rendition of a life we wish we would have had. It's all we're meant to be really. Let's be serious now. We all know that it's not going to work. You'll still be miserable at the end of the day. So let's make a change and get shit on the go.