I thought I was getting better, who the fuck am I kidding. I've gotten like a million times better since that day. I'm proud of myself for doing this. Moving to Fredericton and going back to school I mean. It's something that I really want to do for myself. But there's one thing that's holding me back. I don't want to disappoint him. What if this isn't good enough. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to do something for myself and not worry about other people, but that's rarely going to happen ever.
So there's a million things that are standing in my way for school and getting what I want. It'll all come together I know it will though, Dad wouldn't have done it any other way. I have every belief that when he died, he knew everything was going to be okay. He raised his kids better than that. I'm just sad and I want him back. I'm too young to have lost my father at such an early stage of my life.
I was 18, and hopeless. Scared of what was to come I did what any distraught person would do. I started to drink. At my life now just a little over a year since it's happened. I don't like to drink anymore, occasional beer was more of my style. I was very angry back then too, I've changed significantly since then. We'll see how this turns out. Will I be better then I was when I attempted this first year, who knows, hoping that things are different and my mindset is hooked on much better things then getting smashed and acting like a complete idiot.
I'm half-way thankful that Dad did pass when he did, he was ready to die. I wasn't ready to say good-bye but things in life don't always work both ways for everyone. He had done enough in his 50 years to prepare him for death. He's still my Daddy, I'm still his Sara Lee.
I'm okay now, I'm going to be okay.. this is a rough road that I've been on but I believe to the highest degree that what I have done in the past year has been totally beneficial for myself.
I love you Dad, thank you for giving me life and helping me to stay strong to keep it going after you've left. You'll never know how truly grateful I am to have had you in my life.
--sg
