come catch my tears

fuck, there's thing that i would just like to look up for me. I'm constantly seeing all of my friends get together and it's fucking annoying, seems everyone is havin' a time besides me. I don't know what's wrong with me. Well, I know there is nothing wrong with me, it's just super frustrating i guess... I don't know what to do about it, there's nothing that I could add to my day to day living that would make this situation improve. I just hate being the last one picked.. uhh


--sg

so where's all the mad rappers at, it's like a jungle in this habitat

Schools, started but I've been wanting to write a blog on here a while ago but I've been wicked busy doing all that shit. There's alot of my mind and I started getting a little stressed out but it's getting alot easier to deal with. I'm trying to get school and shit balanced with work and friends so hopefully it works itself out... I'll keep you updated.

--sg

it's all been done before;

Things have been a little hard today, for some reason I choose today to feel sad about Dad. It's been spastic lately though I haven't had a constant thing that's happened that's made me super upset like anyone asking me how it happened or anything.

I thought I was getting better, who the fuck am I kidding. I've gotten like a million times better since that day. I'm proud of myself for doing this. Moving to Fredericton and going back to school I mean. It's something that I really want to do for myself.  But there's one thing that's holding me back. I don't want to disappoint him. What if this isn't good enough. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to do something for myself and not worry about other people, but that's rarely going to happen ever.

So there's a million things that are standing in my way for school and getting what I want. It'll all come together I know it will though, Dad wouldn't have done it any other way. I have every belief that when he died, he knew everything was going to be okay. He raised his kids better than that.  I'm just sad and I want him back. I'm too young to have lost my father at such an early stage of my life. 

I was 18, and hopeless. Scared of what was to come I did what any distraught person would do. I started to drink. At my life now just a little over a year since it's happened. I don't like to drink anymore, occasional beer was more of my style. I was very angry back then too, I've changed significantly since then. We'll see how this turns out. Will I be better then I was when I attempted this first year, who knows, hoping that things are different and my mindset is hooked on much better things then getting smashed and acting like a complete idiot.

I'm half-way thankful that Dad did pass when he did, he was ready to die. I wasn't ready to say good-bye but things in life don't always work both ways for everyone. He had done enough in his 50 years to prepare him for death. He's still my Daddy, I'm still his Sara Lee. 

I'm okay now, I'm going to be okay.. this is a rough road that I've been on but I believe to the highest degree that what I have done in the past year has been totally beneficial for myself.

I love you Dad, thank you for giving me life and helping me to stay strong to keep it going after you've left. You'll never know how truly grateful I am to have had you in my life.

--sg

lately i've been too hard to reach, too far off all alone

I've established alot of things around my life. I've changed alot of what I want to do my life and how exactly I want to live it. There's definitely alot of things I don't want in my life anymore and I won't have any problems completely cutting them out of my life. I don't need that shit and really it's a waste even to breathe it. 

As much as I wanted to become a Social Worker just like Shellybear, I don't think I can deal with kids like that, it's sad. Troubled Youth, there's something I can most likely deal with. i have enough edge on me that I could be intimidating but have enough finesse with my words that they're not afraid to tell me what's up. It's a win-win situation really. I get something from helping them, they get saved from a life they didn't want to live. I don't know this is just what I was thinking about the past couple days, which have been fucking wonderful. 

--sg

am i loud and clear or am i breaking up?

I waited till now, I suppose because I didn't want to ruin what I had yesterday. It was strange I woke up feeling the same way I always did but for some reason through all the bullshit that I was getting from people for situations I can honestly say I don't know where I would put me into that mix, other than an older relationship I held. But it was crazy, I looked right through it and just said "Fuck it" I've been slowly getting to this point over the past few months. It's been a chore indeed. I was constantly holding my self back in several situations I thought I would react terribly and everything would end on a seriously bad note. 

Yesterday was a great day in many senses, nothing major or exciting happened. I got to do what I wanted to do and just let everything else go. This definitely feels great. But there's one catch, I'm still feeling like I was little less that a year ago. I'm stuck in the same position without reassurance like before. I'm stuck. This frustrates me, but I'm looking at it differently than before. I've moved on in some aspects but this is still irking me to no end. But we'll see how it pans out.

I'm working with Sarah on the farm next week so I definitely think that, that is going to be a wicked good time. Also, hoping for a trip to Hali this weekend if my niece/nephew isn't born by then. Super excited to see some friendly faces there. Everything will be good after that I think. 

P.S I have the most ridiculous cuts from jonny's damn long board, fucking jerk didn't even help me up, just laughed. I did dice er pretty hard though. Thank god for rugby teaching me how to fall or I would've been making a serious trip to the outdoor. It was pretty hilarious though, I just wish I could have seen it from not my angle. 

till then.

--sg

Bad actors with bad habits.

I'm not trying to impress anyone. Not anymore anyway. I've changed since you've met me last. how can I explain this though? 

When you met me I was vulnerable and confused. I didn't know where my life was going or even if I'd make it there in one piece. But I'm alot farther and now I just need you to catch the fuck up. You've changed since I've met you as well. Some for the better but some for the worse. I am not about to rip people apart on a computer. It's not what I do. 

In all seriousness, you don't know me. You've tried, but failed. You've sent out remarks in hopes to get a rise, but I'm not falling for that, not again. You've sent everyone to manipulate, to play your game. Now you're left and I'm farther along. Words are cheap now aren't they?

But you didn't know me then, and you certainly don't know me now. You certainly didn't feel the pain I did lowering my own father into the ground. You didn't have to deal with suffering of your family and the fire department. You weren't apart of that wonderful family.

I guess you'll never know.

So what now? Where do we stand. I'm not sure if I trust you anymore, I will always want to, but you've seemed to have broken that trust from me and I don't know if it's easily obtainable again. 

Let me know if you want it to work. I'm comfortable enough that I don't want to change myself too much for someone, I've been through it before but you're not going to be happy with anyone if you're not even happy with yourself. Suck it up, you've been through shit but so has everyone else, live your life.

Get on that like Bobby on Nicole

Most great tales in time involve some epic opening line that catches the reader and brings them right in. Although this tale may not be as epic as people seem to believe, it was definitely entertaining to witness sober.. of some sorts.

I was there.

I was there when my roommates decided that it would be a grand idea to start drinking ridiculously early while watching a rugby game. Yeah, I've been there, I've done the same thing to myself. it's just hilarious how I got to witness first-hand how hilarious the lives of my roommates and I are.

Braam and Nic and I head over to the rugby field a little after 12ish and walked in to see Dear Timmy at the bar before we headed er over across the field.

1:30 -- after a ridiculous amount of trips to and from the car for refills and smoke breaks, I think they're starting to get drunk. This could get messy really quick. This thought came and went from my mind faster then I had planned. I had a problem. Drunk Roommates. Great.. haha

After trying to keep up with them most of the day, i was ready to get high, like really high. I also believed that this was an educated decision at that moment in my life. As the day seems to progress, we get in a few more rugby games, Sarah and Nic continue to be drunk and hilarious. After all the games, we leave the field, me driving. Hilarious times.

We get back to the house, time to nap/drink/rugby and smoking hoots, wonderful evening. Mon comes over as well as Dear Timmy, they drink for a while and we smoke a couple more hoots.

 Around 11 we left our house to head down to Al's for a party. I was flying high already at this moment and time and couldn't be happier. The girls were smashed after finishing the bottle of rum plus drinking god knows how many beer.

We show up at the party, Dear Timmy and I choosing a less populated way to get in the house find our way to the kitchen and hang out. There's alot of people here, who are all of them? I remember thinking to myself. I love being high. It's a great time

There's karaoke and hilarious people all around me. I was havin' a time indeed,  Sarah was being a thief of some sorts, opting for any alcohol in the fridge. Nicole was taking whatever was given to her. Timmy and I stepped outside to smoke a J which Nic and Sarah were supposed to be in on, but alas they were off doing god knows what. This was a hilarious night. 

Around 12 30 I couldn't stay there anymore, after the hoot that Timmy and I smoked, I could barely keep my eyes open, this was when I've had alot.. hahah but I was still good, just had to leave. I left there and went downtown looking for my boston girls, but instead opted to get harassed by a group of guys which included an elderly man asking me if he could buy me a sausage, needless to say, I was a little creeped out. 

Nicole comes stumbling out of nowhere Bobby on her tail, I start laughing hilariously because she thought she went downtown with me, no Nicole, you were drunk and imagined me.

We stay there for a while and get to witness the most hilarious display of drunk fighting ever. Fuck, it sure is entertaining to be high and not drunk. This chick comes out of Zees with  a raggedy hooker-lookin shirt and enough material on her skirt to make me a fashionable headband. This is hialrious. I am hilarious at this time. Skankface decides she's going to start lipping this guy in a group and gets right in his face. I think the people were more amused at my commentary then what was going on, dude was getting his ass handed to him by this 5 ft flat lookin skank. I was loving my life. 

Around 2:30ish? we just waitied for everyone to get pizza and crap and we head back to the apartment where Sarah is home passed out on the couch. how she got there.. we don't know.. did she have shoes one, most certainly not. Was is hilarious, most defninitely. After getting more drunk and smoking more drugs. Nicole is being hilarious with Bobby, like hil-airious, they go off and I'm left with Norm.. the ridiculous rolledup pants motherfucker that was hanging around with Bobby and Andrew. 

I am not a fan of this, I opt out for food and bed. I'm tired high and hungry.. a dangerous combination.

Waking up in the morning revealed the true stories, and yes Sarah.. you did make out with Norm at Al's...haha

love you.